A Continuing Of A Story...

I'm so excited to learn that Kevin has become a Christian, a fellow brother in Christ. It's something I've hoped for, for a long time.

It's SO COOL though, that Kevin has become a Christian. Apparently it happened back during his first few weeks of BCT. I don't know what to feel at this "turn" of events, but I do know that I am jubilant and joyful at the idea of it. It's so wonderful. I did nothing but walk away, of which, I am ashamed. I am glad and envious that God has used Karen in such a wonderful way. I'm excited that Sarah has come back to God. Of her strengthened relationship with Karen and the idea of them becoming one anther's accountability partners. Of both Karen and Sarah deciding to pledge to remain sexually pure together and with God. May He honor those commitments and strengthen them.

I pray that although I am late, God might use me to minister to them all, in particular Kevin, who it seems to me in some way, has no one.
Lord, forgive me of my sin, of my envy, of my pride, of my frustration with your plan. Humble me God. Bring me to my knees. Allow me to be a simple man of faith. Not for matters of pride. Let me not even be aware of it. But, for your glory Father. Amen

It's so amazing to see how God has worked just a year and a half after the fact. It's gonna be some reunion some day!

What Would You Be Left With?

I was sitting in FYE class the other day and I had a thought.. My instructor wanted to talk about time management. She had a bunch of scrap pieces of paper. We were instructed to take five. Now, if you can follow along with me. Grap five pieces of scarp paper of your own. They don't have to be big, or special, it's what we are going to discuss that has meaning. On those five pieces of paper, write the five most important things to you. One on each. Now, line up those pieces in front of you. Choose the least important. Crumple it up. Pretty easy huh? What's left? Now, take two more, get rid of them. What's on your final two pieces of paper? I was left with my family and God. I don't need to know what's on yours. Look at them, these are the most important things to you in the world. The things you would give it all up for. Is what is left on those two pieces worth your life?
Now, I want you to take one more piece of paper. and do to it that you did to the rest. This is the hardest decision as of yet. Which of these two things that are worth everything to you are you willing to sacrifice for the other?
Some of you might have had things like friends or family, school, even facebook left in your top two. What's left now? Some of you probably had God left as well. Is he still there? For some of us this decision comes so easily. For others it's a tough call. As your sitting there, some of you might might want to chose something else, but pick God, because that's what most people say they would have, and you don't want to be the odd one out. As your deciding, if you are having this tough time, use it. Think to yourself, about what you know, about what you want. To some of us, it's evident that God is worth it all. We just fall short of making that choice, that decision time and time again to set ourselves on the path. Well, you've heard it said time and time again that the best time is now. So choose. When you make this choice on the outside through your actions, it's a reflection of what's on the inside. When you crumple up that final piece, make sure it's actually what you would give it all up for, make sure you dedicate yourself to it. I did and I was left with God.

I say all this not out of a lesson, but from first hand experience. That you might be blessed through what has been made real to me.


Isaiah 40:8
"The grass withers and the flowers fade, but the Word of the Lord stands forever."

College

Well, it's been a while since I've written. A long time. It's interesting thinking about all the changes that have happened in my life, more so to me. I've lost friends, chances, family members, and dreams. I've moved into the dorms and started college. I've become something different than I was. With in each instance in life, we change even just a little bit. Each day offers with it the chance and opportunity to change, to make a difference. I'm finding myself, and I hope that I am truly finding God in the process. I want to start posting songs that fit my mood at the moment. For the second week of classes it was the song "Millionaire" by FFH. I took it as a comfort, I still do in some ways. Music is odd for me. Certain songs get stuck in my head and they help to define me at that moment. I was lonely, and bored. But, more so depressed. I felt like I could do nothing, that I couldn't succeed and helped me to see and to feel, that it didn't matter, because I can do whatever it is God wants me to do.
Right now, the song that is in my heart is "Everlasting" by Hillsong. It helps me to think. It's a comfort. I don't quite know why. I do know that it reminds me of the power of God. It reminds me of why I'm here. It reminds me of His essence. Oh, how so easily I forget. I need to remember what God has for me. That He cares for me.

When I was getting ready to leave for college and I was depressed for one reason or another, my mom had shared with me the verse that she had chosen for me when she chose to give birth to me.

Jeremiah 29:11
"'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD,' plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope."

I need to remember.. I need to keep in mind my God. I need to keep in mind my faith. The fact that He has a plan for me. That I do have a hope. Even in the darkest of times, that my heart is guarded by His peace.

I pray for strength and wisdom. I pray that I might be strengthened. I pray that I might make some true friends who will walk with me in the faith.

Back Up To Speed...

Well... It's been forever since I've posted on here. It seems I say that every time..
I've been thinking recently about my life and my goals; what I want to do with myself. I wasn't really sure. I've had such a hard time giving up my dreams in a sense. Or being willing to.. Then a week or so ago it sorta hit me all of a sudden. I wanted to, from that moment on, go into Teen Ministry. I don't know how. I don't know where. I don't even know what age group. But, I want to.. At this point, because of my age I can only do so much for college kids. Even though, I get the feelings that that area might become my focus.. So, I decided to start by asking Lee (the Youth Pastor of my church) if I can work with the youth group there. He responded with a the question of "well what do you want to do?" I told him I don't care. He kinda seemed to doubt me. But thinking about it and my past experiences.. I don't really care. I can help as much as I'm needed as long as it fits into my schedule and my school works out. I really would love to help. I need to fix a few things in my heart in regards to feelings and thoughts, but I have the desire, now I just need to be content with where I am. I also want to talk to Shane about learning guitar from him over the course of this next school year. I don't want to lose track of that either.. Besides that I'm at ease.. I almost want to give up school and just go full into youth ministry's, but that's not really going to work because I already made a commitment. I don't know. God's going to work it all out. I just need to trust him.

Today while I was at work I heard a clip of this song, only 15 seconds worth or so, but it struck me.

"My heart beats, standing on the edge
But my feet have finally left the ledge

Like an acrobat
There’s no turning back

I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace

The fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone

I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

Giving in to your gravity
Knowing You are holding me
I’m not afraid

Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
Feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me"

It just reminded me of what I'm dealing with in regards to my dreams. I think I need to keep it in mind.

Patience...

Having it is a gift. Learning it is a curse. Each part of life though is a blessing. The rose is made more beautiful because of it's thorns. I'm different than Kate in many ways. Patience is just one of them. I'm one of those people that is always plotting, planning, waiting. I also make it my goal to live, to enjoy. I'm working on that last part. For me patience in regards to time is easy. I don't get to terribly excited about anything. I enjoy certain things, I'm learning to enjoy more. I'm perfectly able to wait for college, for a car, for a new toy. I'm more impatient when it comes to people. Meeting, getting to know them, having experiences with them. In a way though, I'm still patient. one thing I need to learn is to always be content. I've found that I'm not always content. I should be though. There are times that my emotions just take over. What helps is to just put a CD in or turn on the radio. To use that music to bring me back to that point of convergence. the place where I'm grounded in my life and my faith. It allows me to think, and gives me time to realize that I don't have it that bad. Sure, something didn't go to plan, but God still has me covered. Lately I've been struggling. I get the feeling that I'm going to lose my faith in order to gain it. In a way, I feel as if I don't believe my faith. In a way, I'm afraid to give up on it. I know that somethings gotta happen though. A well cannot produce both bitter and sweet water. I might seem strong in my faith from what I say or what I do but I'm a pool of paradoxes within. I pray and hope that if I happen to change my heart and fall away, that God uses that and the circumstances to change me. I'm slowly coming to the realization that it doesn't matter. All of my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams. Things that I have strived for most if not all of my life, don't matter. It's not that it wasn't apparent before. It's just more apparent now on a deeper level. A more sincere level. I had the feeling that God was going to make me give up all my plans for college that I wanted, for one that I had picked as "second best." In a way He did. In a way He didn't. All of this reminds me of a time in my life..
I had just come back from summer camp. I was in a foul mood. During that week of summer camp one of my cabin leaders decided to go through the first chapter of his favorite book; Ecclesiastes. I just remember being at my Aunt Amber's and Uncle Eric's house shortly after my time at camp. I had run around the house and gotten in the car just to sit, and sulk, and cry. My dad came out and tried to reason with me. It didn't work. I remembered what we had talked about for Ecclesiastes and pulled it out of my hat. My dad eventually just made his final point and went inside. I don't quite remember how that day resolved itself. I just remember that instance in the car. I will always have that to remind me of Ecclesiastes. According to this book of the Bible written by Solomon the Wise; everything is meaningless. Solomon takes those three words and pounds them in to you throughout 11 chapters. The logic behind them is solid and cast in iron. Those 11 chapters seem to suck all the hope out of you. They make life not even worth living. Thankfully, at the end of it all, there is a conclusion as set as the previous syllogisms. This conclusion completes them. Makes it all worth something. It gives you hope. It's that everything is meaningless without something greater. What's greater, is Christ.
I want to record this next thing here for not only you, but for myself, to remind me. It's part of a conversation from a friend. I had been having ridiculous troubles with some of my college stuff. I, in the end, opted for a major I didn't want because the one I did was not available and this was my best option. My friend was arguing the point that I should do what makes me happy. That I should just give up a scholarship that I had already accepted and told the commander prior to that, that I would follow through on. See, I don't currently enjoy the prospect of my major. Here is the conversation. I wrote quite a bit. It helped to bring about some realizations to myself. Only my friends initials are used to in order to respect their privacy, and only then, to mark the change of who is making the comments.


Me: "I might not like what I will be doing, but I also don't have the whole story for it either. Maybe I'll find something that I enjoy. It's only part of a long term plan and I can't see what the future holds. My needs are met. Maybe my desires will change or my current ones will fall into place. I can always change paths later. I plan on getting several graduate degrees on top of my undergrad so it's not that big of a deal. Maybe this "mistake" is just what I'll need to round out my experience. I never know who I will meet. What I might be able to do from this. I accepted the CLS (Commander's Leadership Scholarship) when it was offered to me because the academy was basically a dead end due to my ALO (Air Force Liaison Officer). Something that had changed that was outside of my control. I said that if I accepted it I would follow through. Accepting something is saying yes to it, so by not following through in and of itself sorta breaks my word in addition to what I said I would do on top of it. Mechanical Engineering was out because of the school. Electrical Engineering isn't so far removed from the field and in some sense is more versatile. Physics and Mathematics were also options. These are just things in regards to my full ride scholarship. I could have done anything else for a type 2 scholarship, but it's nice just to have the full ride. People make me happy, they bring joy to my life. I don't see myself sitting down with a job that is absolutely enthralling. I see myself coming home to a wife who loves me who I can sit with and just enjoy being with. This major still can get me where I want, it's just a major. If I'm a pilot in the AF (Air Force) it won't really matter anyways. I could still go for a masters or even a PhD in something I do want later on. Since I'm in ROTC (Reserve Officer Training Corps) I have to do the military for at least 8 years after I'm out anyways. It gives me time to change paths or do something else. I could even go life time military. Anyway you slice it or dice it I'll live. My needs have been met. I won't be terribly miserable even if I'm not interested in my major. There are other things that I can show interest in. My decision here changes me. It forces me to go against my grain. Giving up something I want and maybe allowing me to do something God wants instead. The Bible says that God will transform our minds by renewing them. Maybe I just need to learn to trust God instead of trusting myself. Maybe I need to give up what I want so much, so that He can use me. If my mind is transformed and my will is the same as His, I will be happy doing whatever He wants me to do. And maybe, just maybe, what He wants will lead to what I want. I never know what would come about if I broke my word, or what influence it might have on my career. But sticking with my morals is a better choice because it says something about me. Whether it be that I try to have faith, or that I try not to make compromises or even that I hold to what I believe. I never know where the commander of this unit might go afterwords and if I did something else after breaking my word I don't know what negative affects it might have had."

CP: "Well then if that's how you feel, then do it. don't listen to anything I say. I don't know anything anyways."

Me: "I just know that I did what I said I would do. I didn't compromise anything and I'll have lots of blessings to count. Even if everything goes down hill and I end up homeless there might even be a blessing in that."

CP: "lol, don't end up homeless and if you do. Call me. You can live on my couch."

Me: "I'll never know. So, I'm just going to live my life to the fullest. Morally, physically, and I'm just going to try to realize the simple beauty. Sometimes the things we hate most, say the thorns of a rose, help to frame the beauty that stares us right in the face. To many people live life for the extravagance and good feelings that come with it. Or maybe they live their lives selfishly. I only know that this life only lasts but an instant. If I were to die today do I want to be remembered for doing what I want? Or for doing what's or what I think is right? And if I'm ever homeless I'll take you up on that offer. At least I might learn humility if I become homeless. Something I just thought of. The book of Job. Have you ever read it?"

CP: "No"

Me: "Look it up sometime. It's about a man that went through some of the hardest things that one might ever endure."

CP: "Hmm, maybe I'll read it."

Me: "Another reference I can make would be to the book of Ecclesiastics. It was written by King Solomon. Someone who is still regarded to be one of, if not the wisest men in all of history. Chapters 1-11; About all they have to say is that everything is meaningless and it follows sound logic. It makes it seem as if nothing is worth doing. Yet, even with all that apparent worthlessness there still is hope. Hence, Chapter 12. Either way, both are good reads. Ecclesiastes gives everyone something to think about and Job is a good story."


You might see some similarities in my conversation with my friend and what I had posted before it. It surprisingly, was not planned. It just happened to tie together that way.

It's about time that this blog gets some posts. I hope that you all enjoy. I'll try to do more as it comes to me. I've been busy. God bless.

5AD11721-5432-4416-7E2F-7A5089718D5B

1.02.28

About time

First of all, it's about time someone posts something new on this blog, eh?

OK, so about time.

Time is so very precious. I'm learning this the older I get that time is one resource it is incredibly wrong to waste. I speak as if I'm an old person, and, though, I'm not old I often feel old. Though I'm still young to most people and will be young to most people for quite a few years yet, I must think of how precious is the little time I have left. In the broad scheme of things, I don't have much time on this earth. And so I find myself often wanting things now...I want to have a car...now. I want my license...now. I want to graduate high school..now. I want to know what I'll go to college for...now. I want to know who I'll marry...now. And yet with all of these wants, with all of my knowing that time is short, with all of my wishing for tomorrow's gifts today...I hear in my spirit, the still small voice saying "patience, Kate. Be patient." When I start getting anxious about my future, I keep getting told in so many words by so many people to "just wait, be patient, it'll all work out." I know this is God's wish for me, for me to learn patience. It is one of the gifts of the Spirit, and so I desire it too. It's just that I'm not a naturally patient or quiet or stand-by and watch kind of person... Being told to be patient it makes go "argh!" And, yet, I'm trying...I know that waiting on the Lord is an exercise of faith. I'm trying to rest in the knowledge that He has my time in His hands. He will provide all my needs in his time... My wishing for tomorrow's gifts today is a waste of today's time, a gift so very precious.

Answers To Life

I've been thinking. I've had issues with my college decisions and things. Hopes and dreams that haven't worked out, etc. The thing I've come to realize for this instance personally, is that I'm taken care of. It's a hard and yet calming realization. Though I might lose some dreams, some goals, I have been blessed. Regardless of what happens my college is free and clear. I have an assured job after I get out. My needs have been met my dreams haven't yet. Maybe that will come with time. Maybe it won't. At least I have more than I could ask for. God's answered, maybe not in full, but the entirety will come in time and for now I'm content in His providence.

Answers to Prayers

So, I've been doing a lot of praying this past week about something that I really wanted to happen. Only a few know what I'm talking about, but what I was praying for isn't important. The fact that the prayers were answered is. I prayed a lot. Prayer was almost constantly in my heart and on my lips. I also, later, learned that others were praying as well for the same thing to happen. Now, as I was praying, I felt peace...I was concerned, but I was not overwhelmed with worry. I knew that whatever happened would be for the best. Surprisingly, the people I was counting on, put up no to little opposition to what I asked of them to make this event happen. I give God the praise for this, because I'm not good at convincing people to see my way...if it wasn't for God softening the hearts of my parents and others, my attempts to persuade them would have accomplished nothing. Now, this all hasn't come at no cost to myself, but the cost was only money...something easily gained and easily lost, but something many have a hard time giving away including myself...But if something as useless as money is all that God asks of me, how can I refuse when the benefits of this event will be eternal? This whole thing has turned into a beautiful testimony to what God's children can do when we act in unity to do His will.

Now, God has answered my prayers, but why? Why are some prayers answered in the ways we want and others seemingly go unheard? I am convinced that all our prayers are heard. If our prayers are not answered the way we want, it's because God's ways are above our own and our hearts are not in agreement with His own heart. The event I prayed for isn't happening the way I first thought it would. It doesn't involve the same people I thought it would. I am convinced that it is much better. If our hearts and prayers are following God's heart, then how can He deny us the good answers to our prayers? He can't. So, as a reminder to myself, I must be a woman after God's own heart...and then my prayers will always be asking for God's will.

It All Comes Down To Choice...

I was having a conversation with a coworker about a week ago. One point that she had brought up was that she has a hard time believing in a "good" God who allows "bad" things to happen. I was struck that night while I was reading with an epiphany. Thoughts that I had before became so much more clearer. The concept so much more meaningful...

Why does a "good" God allow "bad" things to happen?

For without "bad" there is no "good," as well as no love...

What defines "good" and "bad?" Is it "bad" because of our opinion? Or because it's something we didn't want? Or is it bad because it is evil? What is evil?

Without choice we have no ability to do what is "right." we only have the ability to do reality. It is because we have that choice that we can love. For without choice there is no love, there is just what is.
Without the choice of having that relationship with God what is there? Without the choice to give glory to God, or not, what is there? Without actually choosing to bring Him glory can "glorifying" Him actually be true glory? Which is the greater or gives greater glory: glorifying God because there is no other option? Or glorifying God because we want to?

If God were to strip us of the capacity to chose wouldn't he be stripping us of the capacity to truly love?

For without choice, without opposites, there really is no good or bad, right or wrong... There just is what is.

Late Night Thoughts

I'm sitting here on my couch. Feeling overwhelmed, feeling as if I am facing impossible odds. I keep thinking of all these things I have to do. All these things I want to do. I'm struggling just to remember and be motivated to get them all done. Yet, with all these things I have to do I still can feel restless. I feel restless for God. My faith is there, and I want to think it's strong. Is it? I don't know. All I know is that my hope is strong. My desires, my dreams, and my goals seem to gravitate me towards this "future." I'm not sure whether it is what I truly want or not. I know I could be perfectly happy in many different fields of life. But regardless, of my fears, my thoughts, of the impossibilities... I can't quite let these dreams go. I say I want to go into space. I hate heights. The possibility of space is frightening. The vastness. The emptiness. The thin wall that separates me from eternity. Yet, with all these fears. With all these terrors and thoughts that grip my heart and my mind. I can't let it go. I can't give up on that dream. I just pray that when it comes to that point, when I'm in that seat, I don't quiver in my suit and call it all off. That I don't give it all up. It's that moment that I fear in some sense. Yet, I know that when it comes to that I might very well be terrified yet I'll still take that plunge. I'll still jump off that cliff. I'll still go swimming. Though the terror be strong it's this one part of my being that I can't quite explain or describe. I just pray that it's something God has given me and not my own selfish desires.

I'm weak. I sit here, hoping and praying that I'll be the best. Whether it is because of pride or because desire to bring glory to God. I fear it's because of me, because of what I want, because I just want to be the best... My entire life is a competition. I can't stand to lose. I can deal with it, but in many ways it drives me away from those I want to be friends with. It cuts like a knife, dividing the few strands of friendship I am able to knit together. It's said that there is always someone who is going to be better. Yet, I want to be the best at everything I do. Yet, at every turn, at every bend, I am bested by someone who I want to be close to. This life I've chosen to lead is very competitive, this world is competitive, I am competitive. I long to be this leader, this person that people look up to. Yet, when I look at myself I see this failure. I see someone who regardless of all they try to accomplish still comes up short. I say that I'm not arrogant, but in many ways I am. It's become a part of me. It's both a compensation for my failures and a defense. It's been used as a mask to hide my true feelings long enough that it has become or has always been apart of me. Yet, I long that this could be different. Whether it is because I want to be humble or at least I long for the abilities, for the successes that justify that character trait I don't know. I fear it's the latter, but I pray it's the former.

These are just a few of the thoughts that go on in my mind as I sit here overwhelmed. I still long for God. I still pray I might be a man worthy of my name sake. That I might be credited with faith that is stronger than all. This is what I wish my testimony to be. I fear I will never come close...