It All Comes Down To Choice...

I was having a conversation with a coworker about a week ago. One point that she had brought up was that she has a hard time believing in a "good" God who allows "bad" things to happen. I was struck that night while I was reading with an epiphany. Thoughts that I had before became so much more clearer. The concept so much more meaningful...

Why does a "good" God allow "bad" things to happen?

For without "bad" there is no "good," as well as no love...

What defines "good" and "bad?" Is it "bad" because of our opinion? Or because it's something we didn't want? Or is it bad because it is evil? What is evil?

Without choice we have no ability to do what is "right." we only have the ability to do reality. It is because we have that choice that we can love. For without choice there is no love, there is just what is.
Without the choice of having that relationship with God what is there? Without the choice to give glory to God, or not, what is there? Without actually choosing to bring Him glory can "glorifying" Him actually be true glory? Which is the greater or gives greater glory: glorifying God because there is no other option? Or glorifying God because we want to?

If God were to strip us of the capacity to chose wouldn't he be stripping us of the capacity to truly love?

For without choice, without opposites, there really is no good or bad, right or wrong... There just is what is.

Late Night Thoughts

I'm sitting here on my couch. Feeling overwhelmed, feeling as if I am facing impossible odds. I keep thinking of all these things I have to do. All these things I want to do. I'm struggling just to remember and be motivated to get them all done. Yet, with all these things I have to do I still can feel restless. I feel restless for God. My faith is there, and I want to think it's strong. Is it? I don't know. All I know is that my hope is strong. My desires, my dreams, and my goals seem to gravitate me towards this "future." I'm not sure whether it is what I truly want or not. I know I could be perfectly happy in many different fields of life. But regardless, of my fears, my thoughts, of the impossibilities... I can't quite let these dreams go. I say I want to go into space. I hate heights. The possibility of space is frightening. The vastness. The emptiness. The thin wall that separates me from eternity. Yet, with all these fears. With all these terrors and thoughts that grip my heart and my mind. I can't let it go. I can't give up on that dream. I just pray that when it comes to that point, when I'm in that seat, I don't quiver in my suit and call it all off. That I don't give it all up. It's that moment that I fear in some sense. Yet, I know that when it comes to that I might very well be terrified yet I'll still take that plunge. I'll still jump off that cliff. I'll still go swimming. Though the terror be strong it's this one part of my being that I can't quite explain or describe. I just pray that it's something God has given me and not my own selfish desires.

I'm weak. I sit here, hoping and praying that I'll be the best. Whether it is because of pride or because desire to bring glory to God. I fear it's because of me, because of what I want, because I just want to be the best... My entire life is a competition. I can't stand to lose. I can deal with it, but in many ways it drives me away from those I want to be friends with. It cuts like a knife, dividing the few strands of friendship I am able to knit together. It's said that there is always someone who is going to be better. Yet, I want to be the best at everything I do. Yet, at every turn, at every bend, I am bested by someone who I want to be close to. This life I've chosen to lead is very competitive, this world is competitive, I am competitive. I long to be this leader, this person that people look up to. Yet, when I look at myself I see this failure. I see someone who regardless of all they try to accomplish still comes up short. I say that I'm not arrogant, but in many ways I am. It's become a part of me. It's both a compensation for my failures and a defense. It's been used as a mask to hide my true feelings long enough that it has become or has always been apart of me. Yet, I long that this could be different. Whether it is because I want to be humble or at least I long for the abilities, for the successes that justify that character trait I don't know. I fear it's the latter, but I pray it's the former.

These are just a few of the thoughts that go on in my mind as I sit here overwhelmed. I still long for God. I still pray I might be a man worthy of my name sake. That I might be credited with faith that is stronger than all. This is what I wish my testimony to be. I fear I will never come close...