Having it is a gift. Learning it is a curse. Each part of life though is a blessing. The rose is made more beautiful because of it's thorns. I'm different than Kate in many ways. Patience is just one of them. I'm one of those people that is always plotting, planning, waiting. I also make it my goal to live, to enjoy. I'm working on that last part. For me patience in regards to time is easy. I don't get to terribly excited about anything. I enjoy certain things, I'm learning to enjoy more. I'm perfectly able to wait for college, for a car, for a new toy. I'm more impatient when it comes to people. Meeting, getting to know them, having experiences with them. In a way though, I'm still patient. one thing I need to learn is to always be content. I've found that I'm not always content. I should be though. There are times that my emotions just take over. What helps is to just put a CD in or turn on the radio. To use that music to bring me back to that point of convergence. the place where I'm grounded in my life and my faith. It allows me to think, and gives me time to realize that I don't have it that bad. Sure, something didn't go to plan, but God still has me covered. Lately I've been struggling. I get the feeling that I'm going to lose my faith in order to gain it. In a way, I feel as if I don't believe my faith. In a way, I'm afraid to give up on it. I know that somethings gotta happen though. A well cannot produce both bitter and sweet water. I might seem strong in my faith from what I say or what I do but I'm a pool of paradoxes within. I pray and hope that if I happen to change my heart and fall away, that God uses that and the circumstances to change me. I'm slowly coming to the realization that it doesn't matter. All of my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams. Things that I have strived for most if not all of my life, don't matter. It's not that it wasn't apparent before. It's just more apparent now on a deeper level. A more sincere level. I had the feeling that God was going to make me give up all my plans for college that I wanted, for one that I had picked as "second best." In a way He did. In a way He didn't. All of this reminds me of a time in my life..
I had just come back from summer camp. I was in a foul mood. During that week of summer camp one of my cabin leaders decided to go through the first chapter of his favorite book; Ecclesiastes. I just remember being at my Aunt Amber's and Uncle Eric's house shortly after my time at camp. I had run around the house and gotten in the car just to sit, and sulk, and cry. My dad came out and tried to reason with me. It didn't work. I remembered what we had talked about for Ecclesiastes and pulled it out of my hat. My dad eventually just made his final point and went inside. I don't quite remember how that day resolved itself. I just remember that instance in the car. I will always have that to remind me of Ecclesiastes. According to this book of the Bible written by Solomon the Wise; everything is meaningless. Solomon takes those three words and pounds them in to you throughout 11 chapters. The logic behind them is solid and cast in iron. Those 11 chapters seem to suck all the hope out of you. They make life not even worth living. Thankfully, at the end of it all, there is a conclusion as set as the previous syllogisms. This conclusion completes them. Makes it all worth something. It gives you hope. It's that everything is meaningless without something greater. What's greater, is Christ.
I want to record this next thing here for not only you, but for myself, to remind me. It's part of a conversation from a friend. I had been having ridiculous troubles with some of my college stuff. I, in the end, opted for a major I didn't want because the one I did was not available and this was my best option. My friend was arguing the point that I should do what makes me happy. That I should just give up a scholarship that I had already accepted and told the commander prior to that, that I would follow through on. See, I don't currently enjoy the prospect of my major. Here is the conversation. I wrote quite a bit. It helped to bring about some realizations to myself. Only my friends initials are used to in order to respect their privacy, and only then, to mark the change of who is making the comments.
Me: "I might not like what I will be doing, but I also don't have the whole story for it either. Maybe I'll find something that I enjoy. It's only part of a long term plan and I can't see what the future holds. My needs are met. Maybe my desires will change or my current ones will fall into place. I can always change paths later. I plan on getting several graduate degrees on top of my undergrad so it's not that big of a deal. Maybe this "mistake" is just what I'll need to round out my experience. I never know who I will meet. What I might be able to do from this. I accepted the CLS (Commander's Leadership Scholarship) when it was offered to me because the academy was basically a dead end due to my ALO (Air Force Liaison Officer). Something that had changed that was outside of my control. I said that if I accepted it I would follow through. Accepting something is saying yes to it, so by not following through in and of itself sorta breaks my word in addition to what I said I would do on top of it. Mechanical Engineering was out because of the school. Electrical Engineering isn't so far removed from the field and in some sense is more versatile. Physics and Mathematics were also options. These are just things in regards to my full ride scholarship. I could have done anything else for a type 2 scholarship, but it's nice just to have the full ride. People make me happy, they bring joy to my life. I don't see myself sitting down with a job that is absolutely enthralling. I see myself coming home to a wife who loves me who I can sit with and just enjoy being with. This major still can get me where I want, it's just a major. If I'm a pilot in the AF (Air Force) it won't really matter anyways. I could still go for a masters or even a PhD in something I do want later on. Since I'm in ROTC (Reserve Officer Training Corps) I have to do the military for at least 8 years after I'm out anyways. It gives me time to change paths or do something else. I could even go life time military. Anyway you slice it or dice it I'll live. My needs have been met. I won't be terribly miserable even if I'm not interested in my major. There are other things that I can show interest in. My decision here changes me. It forces me to go against my grain. Giving up something I want and maybe allowing me to do something God wants instead. The Bible says that God will transform our minds by renewing them. Maybe I just need to learn to trust God instead of trusting myself. Maybe I need to give up what I want so much, so that He can use me. If my mind is transformed and my will is the same as His, I will be happy doing whatever He wants me to do. And maybe, just maybe, what He wants will lead to what I want. I never know what would come about if I broke my word, or what influence it might have on my career. But sticking with my morals is a better choice because it says something about me. Whether it be that I try to have faith, or that I try not to make compromises or even that I hold to what I believe. I never know where the commander of this unit might go afterwords and if I did something else after breaking my word I don't know what negative affects it might have had."
CP: "Well then if that's how you feel, then do it. don't listen to anything I say. I don't know anything anyways."
Me: "I just know that I did what I said I would do. I didn't compromise anything and I'll have lots of blessings to count. Even if everything goes down hill and I end up homeless there might even be a blessing in that."
CP: "lol, don't end up homeless and if you do. Call me. You can live on my couch."
Me: "I'll never know. So, I'm just going to live my life to the fullest. Morally, physically, and I'm just going to try to realize the simple beauty. Sometimes the things we hate most, say the thorns of a rose, help to frame the beauty that stares us right in the face. To many people live life for the extravagance and good feelings that come with it. Or maybe they live their lives selfishly. I only know that this life only lasts but an instant. If I were to die today do I want to be remembered for doing what I want? Or for doing what's or what I think is right? And if I'm ever homeless I'll take you up on that offer. At least I might learn humility if I become homeless. Something I just thought of. The book of Job. Have you ever read it?"
CP: "No"
Me: "Look it up sometime. It's about a man that went through some of the hardest things that one might ever endure."
CP: "Hmm, maybe I'll read it."
Me: "Another reference I can make would be to the book of Ecclesiastics. It was written by King Solomon. Someone who is still regarded to be one of, if not the wisest men in all of history. Chapters 1-11; About all they have to say is that everything is meaningless and it follows sound logic. It makes it seem as if nothing is worth doing. Yet, even with all that apparent worthlessness there still is hope. Hence, Chapter 12. Either way, both are good reads. Ecclesiastes gives everyone something to think about and Job is a good story."
You might see some similarities in my conversation with my friend and what I had posted before it. It surprisingly, was not planned. It just happened to tie together that way.
It's about time that this blog gets some posts. I hope that you all enjoy. I'll try to do more as it comes to me. I've been busy. God bless.
