About time

First of all, it's about time someone posts something new on this blog, eh?

OK, so about time.

Time is so very precious. I'm learning this the older I get that time is one resource it is incredibly wrong to waste. I speak as if I'm an old person, and, though, I'm not old I often feel old. Though I'm still young to most people and will be young to most people for quite a few years yet, I must think of how precious is the little time I have left. In the broad scheme of things, I don't have much time on this earth. And so I find myself often wanting things now...I want to have a car...now. I want my license...now. I want to graduate high school..now. I want to know what I'll go to college for...now. I want to know who I'll marry...now. And yet with all of these wants, with all of my knowing that time is short, with all of my wishing for tomorrow's gifts today...I hear in my spirit, the still small voice saying "patience, Kate. Be patient." When I start getting anxious about my future, I keep getting told in so many words by so many people to "just wait, be patient, it'll all work out." I know this is God's wish for me, for me to learn patience. It is one of the gifts of the Spirit, and so I desire it too. It's just that I'm not a naturally patient or quiet or stand-by and watch kind of person... Being told to be patient it makes go "argh!" And, yet, I'm trying...I know that waiting on the Lord is an exercise of faith. I'm trying to rest in the knowledge that He has my time in His hands. He will provide all my needs in his time... My wishing for tomorrow's gifts today is a waste of today's time, a gift so very precious.

Answers To Life

I've been thinking. I've had issues with my college decisions and things. Hopes and dreams that haven't worked out, etc. The thing I've come to realize for this instance personally, is that I'm taken care of. It's a hard and yet calming realization. Though I might lose some dreams, some goals, I have been blessed. Regardless of what happens my college is free and clear. I have an assured job after I get out. My needs have been met my dreams haven't yet. Maybe that will come with time. Maybe it won't. At least I have more than I could ask for. God's answered, maybe not in full, but the entirety will come in time and for now I'm content in His providence.

Answers to Prayers

So, I've been doing a lot of praying this past week about something that I really wanted to happen. Only a few know what I'm talking about, but what I was praying for isn't important. The fact that the prayers were answered is. I prayed a lot. Prayer was almost constantly in my heart and on my lips. I also, later, learned that others were praying as well for the same thing to happen. Now, as I was praying, I felt peace...I was concerned, but I was not overwhelmed with worry. I knew that whatever happened would be for the best. Surprisingly, the people I was counting on, put up no to little opposition to what I asked of them to make this event happen. I give God the praise for this, because I'm not good at convincing people to see my way...if it wasn't for God softening the hearts of my parents and others, my attempts to persuade them would have accomplished nothing. Now, this all hasn't come at no cost to myself, but the cost was only money...something easily gained and easily lost, but something many have a hard time giving away including myself...But if something as useless as money is all that God asks of me, how can I refuse when the benefits of this event will be eternal? This whole thing has turned into a beautiful testimony to what God's children can do when we act in unity to do His will.

Now, God has answered my prayers, but why? Why are some prayers answered in the ways we want and others seemingly go unheard? I am convinced that all our prayers are heard. If our prayers are not answered the way we want, it's because God's ways are above our own and our hearts are not in agreement with His own heart. The event I prayed for isn't happening the way I first thought it would. It doesn't involve the same people I thought it would. I am convinced that it is much better. If our hearts and prayers are following God's heart, then how can He deny us the good answers to our prayers? He can't. So, as a reminder to myself, I must be a woman after God's own heart...and then my prayers will always be asking for God's will.

It All Comes Down To Choice...

I was having a conversation with a coworker about a week ago. One point that she had brought up was that she has a hard time believing in a "good" God who allows "bad" things to happen. I was struck that night while I was reading with an epiphany. Thoughts that I had before became so much more clearer. The concept so much more meaningful...

Why does a "good" God allow "bad" things to happen?

For without "bad" there is no "good," as well as no love...

What defines "good" and "bad?" Is it "bad" because of our opinion? Or because it's something we didn't want? Or is it bad because it is evil? What is evil?

Without choice we have no ability to do what is "right." we only have the ability to do reality. It is because we have that choice that we can love. For without choice there is no love, there is just what is.
Without the choice of having that relationship with God what is there? Without the choice to give glory to God, or not, what is there? Without actually choosing to bring Him glory can "glorifying" Him actually be true glory? Which is the greater or gives greater glory: glorifying God because there is no other option? Or glorifying God because we want to?

If God were to strip us of the capacity to chose wouldn't he be stripping us of the capacity to truly love?

For without choice, without opposites, there really is no good or bad, right or wrong... There just is what is.

Late Night Thoughts

I'm sitting here on my couch. Feeling overwhelmed, feeling as if I am facing impossible odds. I keep thinking of all these things I have to do. All these things I want to do. I'm struggling just to remember and be motivated to get them all done. Yet, with all these things I have to do I still can feel restless. I feel restless for God. My faith is there, and I want to think it's strong. Is it? I don't know. All I know is that my hope is strong. My desires, my dreams, and my goals seem to gravitate me towards this "future." I'm not sure whether it is what I truly want or not. I know I could be perfectly happy in many different fields of life. But regardless, of my fears, my thoughts, of the impossibilities... I can't quite let these dreams go. I say I want to go into space. I hate heights. The possibility of space is frightening. The vastness. The emptiness. The thin wall that separates me from eternity. Yet, with all these fears. With all these terrors and thoughts that grip my heart and my mind. I can't let it go. I can't give up on that dream. I just pray that when it comes to that point, when I'm in that seat, I don't quiver in my suit and call it all off. That I don't give it all up. It's that moment that I fear in some sense. Yet, I know that when it comes to that I might very well be terrified yet I'll still take that plunge. I'll still jump off that cliff. I'll still go swimming. Though the terror be strong it's this one part of my being that I can't quite explain or describe. I just pray that it's something God has given me and not my own selfish desires.

I'm weak. I sit here, hoping and praying that I'll be the best. Whether it is because of pride or because desire to bring glory to God. I fear it's because of me, because of what I want, because I just want to be the best... My entire life is a competition. I can't stand to lose. I can deal with it, but in many ways it drives me away from those I want to be friends with. It cuts like a knife, dividing the few strands of friendship I am able to knit together. It's said that there is always someone who is going to be better. Yet, I want to be the best at everything I do. Yet, at every turn, at every bend, I am bested by someone who I want to be close to. This life I've chosen to lead is very competitive, this world is competitive, I am competitive. I long to be this leader, this person that people look up to. Yet, when I look at myself I see this failure. I see someone who regardless of all they try to accomplish still comes up short. I say that I'm not arrogant, but in many ways I am. It's become a part of me. It's both a compensation for my failures and a defense. It's been used as a mask to hide my true feelings long enough that it has become or has always been apart of me. Yet, I long that this could be different. Whether it is because I want to be humble or at least I long for the abilities, for the successes that justify that character trait I don't know. I fear it's the latter, but I pray it's the former.

These are just a few of the thoughts that go on in my mind as I sit here overwhelmed. I still long for God. I still pray I might be a man worthy of my name sake. That I might be credited with faith that is stronger than all. This is what I wish my testimony to be. I fear I will never come close...

Love: Part 1

Introduction:

The topic of love has been on my mind for a long time. Now just to clarify, I'm not talking about a fleeting emotion here. I'm talking about an unchanging, unalterable, undeniable characteristic(a distinguishing feature or quality) of God. I, personally, continue to be amazed at the magnitude and the pureness of God's love and hope you become in awe of God's love, also.

Point 1: God not only has love, but He is love.

1 John 4:8

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Again 1 John 4:16

God is love.

Think of the significance of this. Not only does God have the capacity to love, but love is the very essence of God Himself. To do anything outside of love goes against His very nature and, therefore, is impossible. Think of the implications of that for a while.

Point 2: Jesus' birth, life, death, and resurrection illustrate God's great love.

John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Going back to 1 John 4:9-10 gives this brief summary.

9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

Jesus said the following when talking to His disciples about His command to love others.

John 10:13 Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

Jesus Christ(God's son) did exactly that, but why did He need to give his life for us?

Romans 3:23-24 23 For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

And so Christ gave his life for us, so that we may be made innocent of our sins and have eternal life with Him, God. He did not do this because we were deserving. No, He gave his life for us, because he loves us...with the greatest love! And so because of His love for us, we were valued at such a price that we were worth the price of Christ's sacrifice.

So in conclusion, if you ever think, "How can God love me? I do so many terrible things it is impossible that God loves me." Wrong. It is impossible for God to not love you. How can we resist such a great love? Let's not resist, let's love Him...

Totally Depraved

There I am totally depraved
I didn't know how I was gonna be saved
I kept floundering in this world of sin
I didn't know where to begin

Then someone handed me a tract
I said hey man what is up with that
He said I should take a look at it
Cause he thought it was legit

It started talking about a guy called Christ
And what He did with His life
It spoke about all that He gave us
It said His name was Jesus

and that

I am utterly, completely, totally depraved
I was elected by God's grace
Nothin' could have made me think twice
That abundant joy sounded so nice

Right then and there I made my decision
I had Christ come and fill the division
Now there's a bridge between I and God above
My life's abounding with His love

I am utterly, completely, totally depraved
I was elected by God's grace
Nothin' could have made me think twice
This abundant joy is so very nice

Though I still fail in every single way
I let God come and save the day
I know I still mess up a lot
But thankfully it's according to His plot

I am utterly, completely, totally depraved
I was elected by God's grace
Nothin' could have made me think twice
This abundant joy is so very nice

I pray that I'll serve Him every single day
Throughout all of my ways
I don't deserve all that He's given me
Depraved I am in entirety