The other day I was at CCC. It was my first time going in a while. I've had CAP and such. I haven't been able to make it like I would like to. That evening we were having a lock in with the other Christian Groups on campus as well as the Gay Alliance. You might ask why we do this.. Honestly, I think it's a good thing. There is such hostility between these groups.. We just need to show them God's love. Anyways, this one girl on staff named Lauren gave a talk on John 8:1-11.
But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground. At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" "No one, sir," she said. "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."
What an awesome passage. Christ goes and at the end tells her to go. And leave her life of sin. I don't think I can ever look at this passage the same way ever again. It's become one of my favorites. I'm writing it here and on my other blog in an attempt to never forget it. It's beautiful.
After sharing with us that passage Lauren went and talked about her facebook and how she changed it so that it wasn't a facade anymore. Many times we spend so much time on how we look outwardly that we lose our humanity. She talked about a group of girls that she was friends with in college. Three of them were Christians. Another named Christina, was not. And I am not sure if they new it or not. Lauren asked Christina to write us at RIT CCC a letter about their time together. It follows here:
I was nothing like these three girls and I knew it. I wore clothes that were too tight, too low cut, and I had a mouth which I censored around them. I worked hard on my image and that included maintaining a high GPA to go to medical school like my parents had planned. I also partied hard and loved it. This was the main difference between me and them, I thought I loved sinning more than they did.
I thought that hanging out with these Christians was what I needed to learn how to be a good person and then I could move on. After hanging out with these girls for a few months, all I saw was the same superficiality that I got with all of my other crowd of friends. No one was REAL with me. I was open with them somewhat about my sins and my imperfections but these girls could not relate to me nor did they offer up their own struggles. This is how I came to the conclusion that Christians are perfect and if that was what I needed to be to be one of them, I might as well give up now because I was never going to be perfect, not even close.
One moment that I will always remember is sitting with these three girls my sophomore year in college in the cafeteria. I had something on my mind that had been eating away at me for a while now, so I just finally had a moment when I just couldn't take it anymore, and I kind of loudly exclaimed "You guys are perfect, and I could never be like you!" They all stopped what they were doing and looked at me and each other and laughed. This was not the reaction I had been looking for, but one of them finally said, "Were not perfect, not even close to it."
This was a shocking discovery because the first thought in my head was "You all sure act like it." I mean these girls were all so put together and had it all figured out, and that was so not me, so why even bother?
Before this conversation at dinner with these girls, I was ready and willing to walk away from them and not look back, I was exhausted of trying to change myself to be more like them and I WAS DONE. But something or someone stopped me that day. After processing what these girls were telling me, that they were not perfect. They began to share a little of themselves with me and I got some insight into them, WE WERE THE SAME. They didn't consider my sin greater than theirs and their non-judgment kept me there. They also began to say that something was not right with the way they portrayed themselves if an "outsider" like me could only see the facade and not the truth.This was a turning point in our friendship, they promised from now on to be more open and let themselves be vulnerable but that also came with trust and that would take time.
Looking back now, that conversation was a catalyst that lead to my salvation a few months later. It wasn't their perfection that was going to win me over. In the end it was their humanity, all the flaws and imperfections that it encompassed. The abundant grace and non-judgmental environment that they created amongst themselves and let me in on was what finally broke the ice for me.
My advice to you: It does a huge disservice to other "outsiders" looking in, to hide your flaws and vulnerability. Without it perhaps I wouldn't be here.
I think we need to remember this. It's not how good we are, but how deprived we are that brings others to Christ. It's our humanity and showing His unending, all enduring love that brings others to Him. Never forget this. It was this message that Lauren wanted to share with us. I think it's the best message I've heard since coming to college. This was why we had the lock-in with the gay alliance and hopefully. Someone chooses to follow Christ because of our humanity.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Faith?!
I haven't posted anything in a while. It seems that time gets longer and longer between me remembering to post on here. It's not like I don't have any thoughts. I have to many, yet in some ways not enough. I have plenty of thoughts about uncertainties and insecurities... I don't have enough about the right things..
Faith has been something I've struggled with for a while. Now that I'm in college it's in a way even more challenging. Not because of pressure from outside sources, or even being convinced by the enemies arguments. My greatest enemy is my inner me. I get too sidetracked thinking about unknowns and things I have no control of to even focus on my beliefs. I keep a busy schedule, and I'm able to still find time for all things I want to do. Yet, I can't find time for God.. Why is this? What is this struggle? Shouldn't it be simple. Shouldn't I want God more... :/
The hard part is I'm human. The hard part is I don't always or even usually want God. This is something that I think needs to change. I don't know how. But I've got make a turn around. Not only in this area of my life.. But all of it. Everything needs to flip. My priorities need to shift so drastically that I am changed. I can't keep living like this.
Although that this is not as poetic as my earlier posts.. I think it comes to the heart of a matter that we all struggle with. That's giving up our selfishness. I've got a few more things that I can work on too. I'll cover them in later posts. One of which being my pride. I hope that I can at least in this online persona be open enough so that the real me in all of my sin is displayed. As I heard once this past week. We don't win others to Christ by showing how good we are as Christians, but by showing others that we are just as deprived as them.
I notice that this blog has picked up one more follower. I might as well write to keep them entertained.
Faith has been something I've struggled with for a while. Now that I'm in college it's in a way even more challenging. Not because of pressure from outside sources, or even being convinced by the enemies arguments. My greatest enemy is my inner me. I get too sidetracked thinking about unknowns and things I have no control of to even focus on my beliefs. I keep a busy schedule, and I'm able to still find time for all things I want to do. Yet, I can't find time for God.. Why is this? What is this struggle? Shouldn't it be simple. Shouldn't I want God more... :/
The hard part is I'm human. The hard part is I don't always or even usually want God. This is something that I think needs to change. I don't know how. But I've got make a turn around. Not only in this area of my life.. But all of it. Everything needs to flip. My priorities need to shift so drastically that I am changed. I can't keep living like this.
Although that this is not as poetic as my earlier posts.. I think it comes to the heart of a matter that we all struggle with. That's giving up our selfishness. I've got a few more things that I can work on too. I'll cover them in later posts. One of which being my pride. I hope that I can at least in this online persona be open enough so that the real me in all of my sin is displayed. As I heard once this past week. We don't win others to Christ by showing how good we are as Christians, but by showing others that we are just as deprived as them.
I notice that this blog has picked up one more follower. I might as well write to keep them entertained.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
A Continuing Of A Story...
I'm so excited to learn that Kevin has become a Christian, a fellow brother in Christ. It's something I've hoped for, for a long time.
It's SO COOL though, that Kevin has become a Christian. Apparently it happened back during his first few weeks of BCT. I don't know what to feel at this "turn" of events, but I do know that I am jubilant and joyful at the idea of it. It's so wonderful. I did nothing but walk away, of which, I am ashamed. I am glad and envious that God has used Karen in such a wonderful way. I'm excited that Sarah has come back to God. Of her strengthened relationship with Karen and the idea of them becoming one anther's accountability partners. Of both Karen and Sarah deciding to pledge to remain sexually pure together and with God. May He honor those commitments and strengthen them.
I pray that although I am late, God might use me to minister to them all, in particular Kevin, who it seems to me in some way, has no one.
Lord, forgive me of my sin, of my envy, of my pride, of my frustration with your plan. Humble me God. Bring me to my knees. Allow me to be a simple man of faith. Not for matters of pride. Let me not even be aware of it. But, for your glory Father. Amen
It's so amazing to see how God has worked just a year and a half after the fact. It's gonna be some reunion some day!
It's SO COOL though, that Kevin has become a Christian. Apparently it happened back during his first few weeks of BCT. I don't know what to feel at this "turn" of events, but I do know that I am jubilant and joyful at the idea of it. It's so wonderful. I did nothing but walk away, of which, I am ashamed. I am glad and envious that God has used Karen in such a wonderful way. I'm excited that Sarah has come back to God. Of her strengthened relationship with Karen and the idea of them becoming one anther's accountability partners. Of both Karen and Sarah deciding to pledge to remain sexually pure together and with God. May He honor those commitments and strengthen them.
I pray that although I am late, God might use me to minister to them all, in particular Kevin, who it seems to me in some way, has no one.
Lord, forgive me of my sin, of my envy, of my pride, of my frustration with your plan. Humble me God. Bring me to my knees. Allow me to be a simple man of faith. Not for matters of pride. Let me not even be aware of it. But, for your glory Father. Amen
It's so amazing to see how God has worked just a year and a half after the fact. It's gonna be some reunion some day!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
What Would You Be Left With?
I was sitting in FYE class the other day and I had a thought.. My instructor wanted to talk about time management. She had a bunch of scrap pieces of paper. We were instructed to take five. Now, if you can follow along with me. Grap five pieces of scarp paper of your own. They don't have to be big, or special, it's what we are going to discuss that has meaning. On those five pieces of paper, write the five most important things to you. One on each. Now, line up those pieces in front of you. Choose the least important. Crumple it up. Pretty easy huh? What's left? Now, take two more, get rid of them. What's on your final two pieces of paper? I was left with my family and God. I don't need to know what's on yours. Look at them, these are the most important things to you in the world. The things you would give it all up for. Is what is left on those two pieces worth your life?Now, I want you to take one more piece of paper. and do to it that you did to the rest. This is the hardest decision as of yet. Which of these two things that are worth everything to you are you willing to sacrifice for the other?
Some of you might have had things like friends or family, school, even facebook left in your top two. What's left now? Some of you probably had God left as well. Is he still there? For some of us this decision comes so easily. For others it's a tough call. As your sitting there, some of you might might want to chose something else, but pick God, because that's what most people say they would have, and you don't want to be the odd one out. As your deciding, if you are having this tough time, use it. Think to yourself, about what you know, about what you want. To some of us, it's evident that God is worth it all. We just fall short of making that choice, that decision time and time again to set ourselves on the path. Well, you've heard it said time and time again that the best time is now. So choose. When you make this choice on the outside through your actions, it's a reflection of what's on the inside. When you crumple up that final piece, make sure it's actually what you would give it all up for, make sure you dedicate yourself to it. I did and I was left with God.
I say all this not out of a lesson, but from first hand experience. That you might be blessed through what has been made real to me.
Isaiah 40:8
"The grass withers and the flowers fade, but the Word of the Lord stands forever."
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
College
Well, it's been a while since I've written. A long time. It's interesting thinking about all the changes that have happened in my life, more so to me. I've lost friends, chances, family members, and dreams. I've moved into the dorms and started college. I've become something different than I was. With in each instance in life, we change even just a little bit. Each day offers with it the chance and opportunity to change, to make a difference. I'm finding myself, and I hope that I am truly finding God in the process. I want to start posting songs that fit my mood at the moment. For the second week of classes it was the song "Millionaire" by FFH. I took it as a comfort, I still do in some ways. Music is odd for me. Certain songs get stuck in my head and they help to define me at that moment. I was lonely, and bored. But, more so depressed. I felt like I could do nothing, that I couldn't succeed and helped me to see and to feel, that it didn't matter, because I can do whatever it is God wants me to do.
Right now, the song that is in my heart is "Everlasting" by Hillsong. It helps me to think. It's a comfort. I don't quite know why. I do know that it reminds me of the power of God. It reminds me of why I'm here. It reminds me of His essence. Oh, how so easily I forget. I need to remember what God has for me. That He cares for me.
When I was getting ready to leave for college and I was depressed for one reason or another, my mom had shared with me the verse that she had chosen for me when she chose to give birth to me.
Jeremiah 29:11
"'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD,' plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope."
I need to remember.. I need to keep in mind my God. I need to keep in mind my faith. The fact that He has a plan for me. That I do have a hope. Even in the darkest of times, that my heart is guarded by His peace.
I pray for strength and wisdom. I pray that I might be strengthened. I pray that I might make some true friends who will walk with me in the faith.
Right now, the song that is in my heart is "Everlasting" by Hillsong. It helps me to think. It's a comfort. I don't quite know why. I do know that it reminds me of the power of God. It reminds me of why I'm here. It reminds me of His essence. Oh, how so easily I forget. I need to remember what God has for me. That He cares for me.
When I was getting ready to leave for college and I was depressed for one reason or another, my mom had shared with me the verse that she had chosen for me when she chose to give birth to me.
Jeremiah 29:11
"'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD,' plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope."
I need to remember.. I need to keep in mind my God. I need to keep in mind my faith. The fact that He has a plan for me. That I do have a hope. Even in the darkest of times, that my heart is guarded by His peace.
I pray for strength and wisdom. I pray that I might be strengthened. I pray that I might make some true friends who will walk with me in the faith.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Back Up To Speed...
Well... It's been forever since I've posted on here. It seems I say that every time..
I've been thinking recently about my life and my goals; what I want to do with myself. I wasn't really sure. I've had such a hard time giving up my dreams in a sense. Or being willing to.. Then a week or so ago it sorta hit me all of a sudden. I wanted to, from that moment on, go into Teen Ministry. I don't know how. I don't know where. I don't even know what age group. But, I want to.. At this point, because of my age I can only do so much for college kids. Even though, I get the feelings that that area might become my focus.. So, I decided to start by asking Lee (the Youth Pastor of my church) if I can work with the youth group there. He responded with a the question of "well what do you want to do?" I told him I don't care. He kinda seemed to doubt me. But thinking about it and my past experiences.. I don't really care. I can help as much as I'm needed as long as it fits into my schedule and my school works out. I really would love to help. I need to fix a few things in my heart in regards to feelings and thoughts, but I have the desire, now I just need to be content with where I am. I also want to talk to Shane about learning guitar from him over the course of this next school year. I don't want to lose track of that either.. Besides that I'm at ease.. I almost want to give up school and just go full into youth ministry's, but that's not really going to work because I already made a commitment. I don't know. God's going to work it all out. I just need to trust him.
Today while I was at work I heard a clip of this song, only 15 seconds worth or so, but it struck me.
"My heart beats, standing on the edge
But my feet have finally left the ledge
I've been thinking recently about my life and my goals; what I want to do with myself. I wasn't really sure. I've had such a hard time giving up my dreams in a sense. Or being willing to.. Then a week or so ago it sorta hit me all of a sudden. I wanted to, from that moment on, go into Teen Ministry. I don't know how. I don't know where. I don't even know what age group. But, I want to.. At this point, because of my age I can only do so much for college kids. Even though, I get the feelings that that area might become my focus.. So, I decided to start by asking Lee (the Youth Pastor of my church) if I can work with the youth group there. He responded with a the question of "well what do you want to do?" I told him I don't care. He kinda seemed to doubt me. But thinking about it and my past experiences.. I don't really care. I can help as much as I'm needed as long as it fits into my schedule and my school works out. I really would love to help. I need to fix a few things in my heart in regards to feelings and thoughts, but I have the desire, now I just need to be content with where I am. I also want to talk to Shane about learning guitar from him over the course of this next school year. I don't want to lose track of that either.. Besides that I'm at ease.. I almost want to give up school and just go full into youth ministry's, but that's not really going to work because I already made a commitment. I don't know. God's going to work it all out. I just need to trust him.
Today while I was at work I heard a clip of this song, only 15 seconds worth or so, but it struck me.
"My heart beats, standing on the edge
But my feet have finally left the ledge
Like an acrobat
There’s no turning back
I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go
This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace
The fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone
I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go
Giving in to your gravity
Knowing You are holding me
I’m not afraid
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
Feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me"
It just reminded me of what I'm dealing with in regards to my dreams. I think I need to keep it in mind.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Patience...
Having it is a gift. Learning it is a curse. Each part of life though is a blessing. The rose is made more beautiful because of it's thorns. I'm different than Kate in many ways. Patience is just one of them. I'm one of those people that is always plotting, planning, waiting. I also make it my goal to live, to enjoy. I'm working on that last part. For me patience in regards to time is easy. I don't get to terribly excited about anything. I enjoy certain things, I'm learning to enjoy more. I'm perfectly able to wait for college, for a car, for a new toy. I'm more impatient when it comes to people. Meeting, getting to know them, having experiences with them. In a way though, I'm still patient. one thing I need to learn is to always be content. I've found that I'm not always content. I should be though. There are times that my emotions just take over. What helps is to just put a CD in or turn on the radio. To use that music to bring me back to that point of convergence. the place where I'm grounded in my life and my faith. It allows me to think, and gives me time to realize that I don't have it that bad. Sure, something didn't go to plan, but God still has me covered. Lately I've been struggling. I get the feeling that I'm going to lose my faith in order to gain it. In a way, I feel as if I don't believe my faith. In a way, I'm afraid to give up on it. I know that somethings gotta happen though. A well cannot produce both bitter and sweet water. I might seem strong in my faith from what I say or what I do but I'm a pool of paradoxes within. I pray and hope that if I happen to change my heart and fall away, that God uses that and the circumstances to change me. I'm slowly coming to the realization that it doesn't matter. All of my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams. Things that I have strived for most if not all of my life, don't matter. It's not that it wasn't apparent before. It's just more apparent now on a deeper level. A more sincere level. I had the feeling that God was going to make me give up all my plans for college that I wanted, for one that I had picked as "second best." In a way He did. In a way He didn't. All of this reminds me of a time in my life..
I had just come back from summer camp. I was in a foul mood. During that week of summer camp one of my cabin leaders decided to go through the first chapter of his favorite book; Ecclesiastes. I just remember being at my Aunt Amber's and Uncle Eric's house shortly after my time at camp. I had run around the house and gotten in the car just to sit, and sulk, and cry. My dad came out and tried to reason with me. It didn't work. I remembered what we had talked about for Ecclesiastes and pulled it out of my hat. My dad eventually just made his final point and went inside. I don't quite remember how that day resolved itself. I just remember that instance in the car. I will always have that to remind me of Ecclesiastes. According to this book of the Bible written by Solomon the Wise; everything is meaningless. Solomon takes those three words and pounds them in to you throughout 11 chapters. The logic behind them is solid and cast in iron. Those 11 chapters seem to suck all the hope out of you. They make life not even worth living. Thankfully, at the end of it all, there is a conclusion as set as the previous syllogisms. This conclusion completes them. Makes it all worth something. It gives you hope. It's that everything is meaningless without something greater. What's greater, is Christ.
I want to record this next thing here for not only you, but for myself, to remind me. It's part of a conversation from a friend. I had been having ridiculous troubles with some of my college stuff. I, in the end, opted for a major I didn't want because the one I did was not available and this was my best option. My friend was arguing the point that I should do what makes me happy. That I should just give up a scholarship that I had already accepted and told the commander prior to that, that I would follow through on. See, I don't currently enjoy the prospect of my major. Here is the conversation. I wrote quite a bit. It helped to bring about some realizations to myself. Only my friends initials are used to in order to respect their privacy, and only then, to mark the change of who is making the comments.
Me: "I might not like what I will be doing, but I also don't have the whole story for it either. Maybe I'll find something that I enjoy. It's only part of a long term plan and I can't see what the future holds. My needs are met. Maybe my desires will change or my current ones will fall into place. I can always change paths later. I plan on getting several graduate degrees on top of my undergrad so it's not that big of a deal. Maybe this "mistake" is just what I'll need to round out my experience. I never know who I will meet. What I might be able to do from this. I accepted the CLS (Commander's Leadership Scholarship) when it was offered to me because the academy was basically a dead end due to my ALO (Air Force Liaison Officer). Something that had changed that was outside of my control. I said that if I accepted it I would follow through. Accepting something is saying yes to it, so by not following through in and of itself sorta breaks my word in addition to what I said I would do on top of it. Mechanical Engineering was out because of the school. Electrical Engineering isn't so far removed from the field and in some sense is more versatile. Physics and Mathematics were also options. These are just things in regards to my full ride scholarship. I could have done anything else for a type 2 scholarship, but it's nice just to have the full ride. People make me happy, they bring joy to my life. I don't see myself sitting down with a job that is absolutely enthralling. I see myself coming home to a wife who loves me who I can sit with and just enjoy being with. This major still can get me where I want, it's just a major. If I'm a pilot in the AF (Air Force) it won't really matter anyways. I could still go for a masters or even a PhD in something I do want later on. Since I'm in ROTC (Reserve Officer Training Corps) I have to do the military for at least 8 years after I'm out anyways. It gives me time to change paths or do something else. I could even go life time military. Anyway you slice it or dice it I'll live. My needs have been met. I won't be terribly miserable even if I'm not interested in my major. There are other things that I can show interest in. My decision here changes me. It forces me to go against my grain. Giving up something I want and maybe allowing me to do something God wants instead. The Bible says that God will transform our minds by renewing them. Maybe I just need to learn to trust God instead of trusting myself. Maybe I need to give up what I want so much, so that He can use me. If my mind is transformed and my will is the same as His, I will be happy doing whatever He wants me to do. And maybe, just maybe, what He wants will lead to what I want. I never know what would come about if I broke my word, or what influence it might have on my career. But sticking with my morals is a better choice because it says something about me. Whether it be that I try to have faith, or that I try not to make compromises or even that I hold to what I believe. I never know where the commander of this unit might go afterwords and if I did something else after breaking my word I don't know what negative affects it might have had."
CP: "Well then if that's how you feel, then do it. don't listen to anything I say. I don't know anything anyways."
Me: "I just know that I did what I said I would do. I didn't compromise anything and I'll have lots of blessings to count. Even if everything goes down hill and I end up homeless there might even be a blessing in that."
CP: "lol, don't end up homeless and if you do. Call me. You can live on my couch."
Me: "I'll never know. So, I'm just going to live my life to the fullest. Morally, physically, and I'm just going to try to realize the simple beauty. Sometimes the things we hate most, say the thorns of a rose, help to frame the beauty that stares us right in the face. To many people live life for the extravagance and good feelings that come with it. Or maybe they live their lives selfishly. I only know that this life only lasts but an instant. If I were to die today do I want to be remembered for doing what I want? Or for doing what's or what I think is right? And if I'm ever homeless I'll take you up on that offer. At least I might learn humility if I become homeless. Something I just thought of. The book of Job. Have you ever read it?"
CP: "No"
Me: "Look it up sometime. It's about a man that went through some of the hardest things that one might ever endure."
CP: "Hmm, maybe I'll read it."
Me: "Another reference I can make would be to the book of Ecclesiastics. It was written by King Solomon. Someone who is still regarded to be one of, if not the wisest men in all of history. Chapters 1-11; About all they have to say is that everything is meaningless and it follows sound logic. It makes it seem as if nothing is worth doing. Yet, even with all that apparent worthlessness there still is hope. Hence, Chapter 12. Either way, both are good reads. Ecclesiastes gives everyone something to think about and Job is a good story."
You might see some similarities in my conversation with my friend and what I had posted before it. It surprisingly, was not planned. It just happened to tie together that way.
It's about time that this blog gets some posts. I hope that you all enjoy. I'll try to do more as it comes to me. I've been busy. God bless.
I had just come back from summer camp. I was in a foul mood. During that week of summer camp one of my cabin leaders decided to go through the first chapter of his favorite book; Ecclesiastes. I just remember being at my Aunt Amber's and Uncle Eric's house shortly after my time at camp. I had run around the house and gotten in the car just to sit, and sulk, and cry. My dad came out and tried to reason with me. It didn't work. I remembered what we had talked about for Ecclesiastes and pulled it out of my hat. My dad eventually just made his final point and went inside. I don't quite remember how that day resolved itself. I just remember that instance in the car. I will always have that to remind me of Ecclesiastes. According to this book of the Bible written by Solomon the Wise; everything is meaningless. Solomon takes those three words and pounds them in to you throughout 11 chapters. The logic behind them is solid and cast in iron. Those 11 chapters seem to suck all the hope out of you. They make life not even worth living. Thankfully, at the end of it all, there is a conclusion as set as the previous syllogisms. This conclusion completes them. Makes it all worth something. It gives you hope. It's that everything is meaningless without something greater. What's greater, is Christ.
I want to record this next thing here for not only you, but for myself, to remind me. It's part of a conversation from a friend. I had been having ridiculous troubles with some of my college stuff. I, in the end, opted for a major I didn't want because the one I did was not available and this was my best option. My friend was arguing the point that I should do what makes me happy. That I should just give up a scholarship that I had already accepted and told the commander prior to that, that I would follow through on. See, I don't currently enjoy the prospect of my major. Here is the conversation. I wrote quite a bit. It helped to bring about some realizations to myself. Only my friends initials are used to in order to respect their privacy, and only then, to mark the change of who is making the comments.
Me: "I might not like what I will be doing, but I also don't have the whole story for it either. Maybe I'll find something that I enjoy. It's only part of a long term plan and I can't see what the future holds. My needs are met. Maybe my desires will change or my current ones will fall into place. I can always change paths later. I plan on getting several graduate degrees on top of my undergrad so it's not that big of a deal. Maybe this "mistake" is just what I'll need to round out my experience. I never know who I will meet. What I might be able to do from this. I accepted the CLS (Commander's Leadership Scholarship) when it was offered to me because the academy was basically a dead end due to my ALO (Air Force Liaison Officer). Something that had changed that was outside of my control. I said that if I accepted it I would follow through. Accepting something is saying yes to it, so by not following through in and of itself sorta breaks my word in addition to what I said I would do on top of it. Mechanical Engineering was out because of the school. Electrical Engineering isn't so far removed from the field and in some sense is more versatile. Physics and Mathematics were also options. These are just things in regards to my full ride scholarship. I could have done anything else for a type 2 scholarship, but it's nice just to have the full ride. People make me happy, they bring joy to my life. I don't see myself sitting down with a job that is absolutely enthralling. I see myself coming home to a wife who loves me who I can sit with and just enjoy being with. This major still can get me where I want, it's just a major. If I'm a pilot in the AF (Air Force) it won't really matter anyways. I could still go for a masters or even a PhD in something I do want later on. Since I'm in ROTC (Reserve Officer Training Corps) I have to do the military for at least 8 years after I'm out anyways. It gives me time to change paths or do something else. I could even go life time military. Anyway you slice it or dice it I'll live. My needs have been met. I won't be terribly miserable even if I'm not interested in my major. There are other things that I can show interest in. My decision here changes me. It forces me to go against my grain. Giving up something I want and maybe allowing me to do something God wants instead. The Bible says that God will transform our minds by renewing them. Maybe I just need to learn to trust God instead of trusting myself. Maybe I need to give up what I want so much, so that He can use me. If my mind is transformed and my will is the same as His, I will be happy doing whatever He wants me to do. And maybe, just maybe, what He wants will lead to what I want. I never know what would come about if I broke my word, or what influence it might have on my career. But sticking with my morals is a better choice because it says something about me. Whether it be that I try to have faith, or that I try not to make compromises or even that I hold to what I believe. I never know where the commander of this unit might go afterwords and if I did something else after breaking my word I don't know what negative affects it might have had."
CP: "Well then if that's how you feel, then do it. don't listen to anything I say. I don't know anything anyways."
Me: "I just know that I did what I said I would do. I didn't compromise anything and I'll have lots of blessings to count. Even if everything goes down hill and I end up homeless there might even be a blessing in that."
CP: "lol, don't end up homeless and if you do. Call me. You can live on my couch."
Me: "I'll never know. So, I'm just going to live my life to the fullest. Morally, physically, and I'm just going to try to realize the simple beauty. Sometimes the things we hate most, say the thorns of a rose, help to frame the beauty that stares us right in the face. To many people live life for the extravagance and good feelings that come with it. Or maybe they live their lives selfishly. I only know that this life only lasts but an instant. If I were to die today do I want to be remembered for doing what I want? Or for doing what's or what I think is right? And if I'm ever homeless I'll take you up on that offer. At least I might learn humility if I become homeless. Something I just thought of. The book of Job. Have you ever read it?"
CP: "No"
Me: "Look it up sometime. It's about a man that went through some of the hardest things that one might ever endure."
CP: "Hmm, maybe I'll read it."
Me: "Another reference I can make would be to the book of Ecclesiastics. It was written by King Solomon. Someone who is still regarded to be one of, if not the wisest men in all of history. Chapters 1-11; About all they have to say is that everything is meaningless and it follows sound logic. It makes it seem as if nothing is worth doing. Yet, even with all that apparent worthlessness there still is hope. Hence, Chapter 12. Either way, both are good reads. Ecclesiastes gives everyone something to think about and Job is a good story."
You might see some similarities in my conversation with my friend and what I had posted before it. It surprisingly, was not planned. It just happened to tie together that way.
It's about time that this blog gets some posts. I hope that you all enjoy. I'll try to do more as it comes to me. I've been busy. God bless.
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